I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
