Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
