On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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