My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
