my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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