Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
