Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
