the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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