i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
