So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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