Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
