I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
