im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
