Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
