Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
