Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
