We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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