Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
