hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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