i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
