Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
