we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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