you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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