i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
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