but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
