I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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