You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
