At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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