Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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