cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
