Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
