Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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