Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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