Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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