I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
