People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Your cock deserves a montage
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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