I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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