tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
