hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
