I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
