My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
