Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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