Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
