awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
