So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
