you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
