He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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