I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
