Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
