Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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