My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
